“I’m Not in the Mood for Sex. I’m Tired”: 5 Alternative Ways of Responding to Your Husband’s Sexual Needs

2022-12-15T05:05:50+00:00

By Bede

“That’s all I ever hear you say, ‘I’m too tired…’ Tired of what exactly, me or having sex? I have needs too.” Mabel couldn’t take it any longer. “So do I, I have needs!” Her words reverberated in the antique-decorated master bedroom. “And my need right now is to be left alone!” She grabbed the pillow from the king-sized oak bed and stormed off to the guest room.This couple’s scenario or something similar normally plays out behind closed doors in many marriages, and unfortunately, it has led to conflicts, infidelity, separation and even divorce. Why? Because sex is a big deal in marriage.It is intended by God to be enjoyed in marriage. And none is expected to deny the other of sex, except by mutual understanding. This can happen if one or both partners might be undergoing a spiritual exercise. Even then, they are cautioned not to prolong the time they stay apart, so that they don’t fall into temptation. So, I say again, sex is a BIG DEAL in marriage.Too much sex, too little sex or no sex at all can adversely affect any solid marriage. It is only the couples involved that can determine what is considered to be too much or too little, because it varies in every marriage. When it comes to sex, you need to know if your spouse needs it most times, once or twice a week or once in a blue moon. But I seriously doubt if there is any husband that falls under the ‘blue moon’ category.Sexual desire does not happen for everyone in the same way. This difference in desire, if not understood, can cause a lot of tension, blame-game and conflicts in marriages. The question is often asked: Why do most women have an aversion towards sex or is it something else? I will go with the something else.There are basically two types of sexual desire: Spontaneous and responsive.The spontaneous type is what most people can easily spot; their sexual desire is mostly on the high. They seem to be ready for sex at any given time. Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., a sexuality researcher, tells us that about 75% of men belong to this group with only about 15% of women.

Most women can be characterized as having a responsive desire: the context of the moment affects their response to sex. Most responsive partners notice that desire shows up after they have been sufficiently aroused. Both partners need understanding, patience and sensitivity when it comes to their sexual desires.Sometimes, it’s easier to think that someone is ‘just not into sex’ or ‘into you’, without finding out if there’s more. For a wife, it could be one thing or a combination of things: just had a baby, hormones, job stress, menopause, not enough foreplay, boredom, Loss of sexual desire; also known in medical terms as hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) etc.Unfortunately, many wives have been given a bad name and also hung by the name, for refusing to satisfy their husbands’ sexual desires and whims. Names like: prude, frigid, wicked etc.Before we look at the best ways to let your spouse know you are not in the mood for sex, there are some statements and questions you should avoid in relation to the act of sex:

Not again…
You gotta be kidding me – Again?
Don’t ask him “Is it food?”
I can’t do it with you…
Don’t you get tired?
But we just did it yesterday. What are you? A horse or a…
Can’t you see I’m deadbeat?
You’re just not sensitive…
You’re selfish…
I’m not in the mood!
You only think of yourself…
Give me a break! Think of something else…

The question is this: If a wife does not feel like having sex at a certain time, or she just doesn’t understand why she is not interested in the act, how should she relate to her husband without being mean or hurting his feelings?

1. Be honest. Explain. Be nice

Speak the truth in love; be nice about it. Don’t let him feel you’re rejecting him. You gain nothing from lashing at your partner in anger or ignoring his advances. Tell him why you are unable to connect with him mentally and emotionally in an open, honest and kind manner. It could be that the sex is becoming monotonous or he’s not arousing you sufficiently. There’s no harm in telling him sweetly how he can do things differently and transport you to cloud nine.And don’t just say, “No, thanks.” Give reasons. Let your spouse know what you’re feeling. Don’t leave him guessing what is going on with you or thinking he must have done something wrong. Is it your menses? Let him know. Are you overworked on the job? Or you just don’t understand why the sudden drop in your libido? Talk about it with him.

2. Suggest another time

This tells him that you’re not rejecting him. Another time doesn’t mean a distant time too. It could be the next day or next week and you can surprise him by coming on to him instead. But it would be good if you don’t prolong the rain check you’re giving him.

3. Not feeling 100%? But something is possible

You might not be 100% in the mood for sex but you know you can still flow with him. Maybe you’ve been thinking a lot recently about something, so you’re a bit distracted. In such instances, go along with him. Marriage is about giving and sacrificing. Moreover, doing something to bring pleasure to your hubby can definitely make you feel good, too. I didn’t say pretend…for instance, don’t pretend to have an orgasm. That’s not good. I’m saying choose to show him love and affection. Love does not think of oneself only.

4. Suggest other ways of intimacy

You might not feel in the mood for sex, but you can suggest other ways of being intimate and bonding with him. And I bet my bottom dollar that these other ways can end up putting you in the mood, even more than your horny hubby. And even if it doesn’t turn you on, you will be glad for the intimacy. You could:

Take a shower together.
Ask for a body or foot massage from him.
Go for a walk, hand-in-hand.
Share a drink and snack together.
Watch a romantic movie or comedy together.

5. “Set the mood” and pamper yourself

If your partner has been hinting you in subtle ways of his intentions for sex, but for some unexplained reasons, you’re just not on the same frequency with him. Sometimes, just a little pampering can put you in the mood. If you’re not feeling too good with yourself, you will not feel good with others. And you will definitely not feel like having sex. So try treating yourself to some good old pampering and set the mood:

Take a warm shower.
Put on some flattering/ “sexy” clothes and spray some perfume.
Light makeup is optional.
Make the room look inviting.
Turn on some good sensual music.
Light the candles, and pour some good wine to feel relaxed.

Every successful marriage operates on God’s wisdom. It’s okay to say “no” if you’re truly not in the mood but be guided by wisdom and be extremely sensitive to how you say it and how frequently you say it.If you find yourself always having to explain why you don’t want to have sex, then it’s time to start asking if there’s more to it and if you need to consult with a sex/marriage/relationship therapist.All the best!Efe Lisa Ifezuo