Domestic violence and abuse happen everywhere and every day. It is not a respecter of gender, race, age, tribe, religion or even social status. Violence can be physical, emotional, sexual, psychological, spiritual, or cultural. Victims also experience verbal abuse, financial abuse and neglect.

Women are mainly on the receiving end of domestic violence, and they suffer more health consequences, injuries and even death as a result of the incidents.

Estimates published by WHO indicate that globally about 1 in 3 (30%) of women worldwide have been subjected to either physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence.

The Lagos State Government in Nigeria recorded over 10,000 cases of domestic violence, including violence and sexual abuse done against adults and children between 2019 and 2021.

In the United States, about 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner. If you calculate this for a year, it adds up to more than 10 million women and men. 

Most victims of prolonged domestic abuse often experience the following: depression, anxiety, intense fear, posttraumatic stress (PTSD), emotional numbing and detachment, inability to sleep, withdrawal from family, low self-esteem etc.

The Cycle of Violence and Abuse

It is important to note that not all abuse follows this cycle; the experience with domestic violence varies from relationship to relationship. This cycle was formed to explain the Battered Woman Syndrome: a situation where women are repeatedly abused by their partners.

According to Lenore Walker, the cycle of abuse or violence goes through three stages:

1. Tension-Building Phase.
2. Acute or Crisis Phase.
3. Calm or Honeymoon Phase.

The cycle of violence

1. Tension-Building Phase

During this stage, as seen in the diagram, external stressors build up within the abuser. This has to do with things like financial issues, feeling tired or having a bad day at work. The frustration mounts and the abuser tends to become angrier with each passing moment. During this time, the person at risk begins to walk on “eggshells” to avoid setting their partner off.

2. Acute or Crisis Phase

The tension that has built up eventually leads to the Crisis Phase. The partner blows up. There are lots of insults and threats made to the partner. This also includes manipulating the partner emotionally, using physical violence and blaming the partner for making them mad, and trying to control how the partner does or handles things, like finances, dressing etc.

3. Calm or Honeymoon Phase

At this stage, after the tension has passed, the raging, controlling partner cools down and wants to reconcile with the partner. The person who committed the abuse will try to make things right with affectionate words, saying sorry, and buying gifts too. The person will be on their best behaviour, making promises of the behaviour not repeating itself. The person who was abused will begin to think the abuse was not as bad because of the remorseful attitude of the abuser.

Have you seen the above reoccurring pattern in your relationship or with someone you know? Victims of abuse might leave the relationship several times, but find themselves returning to it again and again because the partner seemed remorseful.

What to Do?

Ending the cycle of violence can be difficult but not impossible.

• Acknowledge there is a Cycle. The first step in breaking the cycle is to recognize there is a cycle in the first place. You must see and recognize that those honeymoon periods are just an attempt for the abusive partner to regain control, till he strikes again. You must change your thinking pattern and realize that it would happen again and again.

• You Need to Speak Out. It is not about what people will say. It is about your life first. Tell trusted friends, family and the authorities. There is also online counselling for those who don’t want a face-to-face contact. Titilola Vivour-Adeniyi, the pioneer Coordinator of the Lagos State Domestic and Sexual Violence Response Team is of the opinion that:

Speaking out does not necessarily mean the end of the marriage. Speaking out can mean separation, it can mean being referred to psychologists to help and address their abnormality. People should speak up and speak out.

• Safety is Key. When your life, or those of your kids (if any), are in danger, you have a responsibility to get out of that unsafe environment. If you plan to leave an abusive partner, you need to do so when the person is out of the house, to avoid further violence and confrontation. Take essential documents, like driver’s license, passports, birth certificate etc. Also spare house keys. Take some change of clothes too.

• Seek Counsel. You can speak to a professional counselor or family and friends. They can help you see the cycle of violence you can’t see. They can help you come out of the abusive relationship. Making a decision to leave an abusive relationship may be scary, but it’s needful. Even the Holy Book says, “Flee or stay away from all appearance of evil.” An abuser is an evil you need to intentionally stay away from. You can decide to stay with a trusted family member or friend while you work out what you need to do next.

• Refuse to be Held back by Inadequate Finances. Financial stability is necessary, but don’t let inadequate or complete lack of finances hold you back in an abusive relationship. That could be costly. Most organisations that assist victims of domestic abuse usually have a fund in place to assist victims till they can find their feet. For instance, Lagos State Domestic and Sexual Violence Response Team (DSVRT) has a Trust fund that directly supports victims and families financially.

• Be Your Brother’s Keeper. Finally, If you’re a close friend or relative of someone that is a victim of abuse, you can seek help for them, incase they are scared to do so. You don’t have to approach the abuser. Offer to get the victim to a safe place and contact the needed help on their behalf.

In Lagos State, you can report domestic and sexual violence at their head office DSVRT Secretariat, Alausa, Ikeja, Lagos, Nigeria.

For other service providers in Nigeria, click here.

For international helplines, go here.

If you or anyone else are in need of depression/emotional health/anxiety counselling, visit the Heartrose Care Foundation website or contact +234 802 715 0529.

Always Know:

• You were not created to be abused by anyone.
• It is not your fault.
• It is not your responsibility to change the abuser.
• Don’t think that the abuse will stop automatically.
• Help is available, just seek it. You don’t have to be silent. You don’t have to remain a victim.

Na’ama Yehuda said, “There is no love in violence, only control and domination.”

Efe Lisa Ifezuo