“Good-Girl” Habits That Can Break Up a Relationship

“Don’t be too loud!” “Sit well.” “Good girls don’t speak with their mouths full!” “Good girls get good grades…” Right from childhood, there has been this invisible pressure placed on the girl-child to fit a certain mould and “perform” in a certain way. She has to force herself to smile even when she feels like crying. She must laugh at the bad joke even when it is directed at her. And when she fails to meet expected standards, she is oftentimes labelled as bad, selfish or called other disparaging names. The “good girl” is the one who is involuntarily focused on pleasing others, being approved or liked by others and the one who over-commits in a relationship. That’s why a lot of ladies learn to tolerate toxic and degrading behaviours in men – because, over time, they’ve watched their own mothers accept such in their own relationships, or watched older women accept abuse in silence. Psychologist Susan Pacey says, “We learn in infancy about how to be in a relationship, how to respond and what to expect from others in our adult lives, and this ‘knowledge’ is stored in our implicit memory and is a lifelong unconscious psychological driver.” Being a good girl in your relationship is not bad in itself but it becomes bad when you seem to be the one doing all the hard work. You’re majorly striving to make the relationship work. You seem to be giving 98% to the relationship while your partner manages to give only 2%. So, what are these “good-girl” habits that can break up a relationship?

1. Saying “yes” to the relationship immediately

It has been barely two weeks and you have already blurted out a big “Yes!” to be his girlfriend. Your thinking is, I don’t want to lose him because I might not find another “catch” like him. You feel “lucky” because he asked you to be his girlfriend and that’s because secretly, you don’t think highly of yourself. This vibe of insecurity will only cause your bae to have second thoughts and likely make him break the relationship, if you come off as too insecure.

2. Allowing life to stop for him

Maybe not literally, but if you find yourself always putting major things on hold or cancelling your plans to accommodate his, then there is a problem. You have a life, just like your partner, and you should never feel under pressure to give in to his agenda at the expense of yours. For instance, you have a pre-arranged meeting with your girlfriends and he calls you up at the same hour to escort him to a business function (a meeting he has known about for three weeks) because the host insisted he must come with someone. And of course, you jump again. What you may not know is that he asked about three other ladies before coming to you, and they couldn’t go with him because it was short notice – they had other plans. Stop changing who you are, to fit into a version of yourself that you can’t even recognise anymore. There is nothing wrong in having a good compromise in your relationship but it shouldn’t be mostly one-sided. It should be balanced.

3. Trying to get him to like you before you’ve decided you like him

Another “good-girl” habit that spells disaster for any relationship is trying hard to be liked by your partner. It is an attitude that will end up having the opposite effect; it would push him away. It is not about a person liking you, but about you liking “you.” Do you like “you?” If you need to be better in some areas, then make adjustments to be better. Don’t change because of someone else, change because it is the right thing to do. It’s about you being confident in your own skin. If you come off as too needy, he may break the relationship.  

4. Saying “Yes” to Sex before you’re ready or Being a “Yes-yes” woman

Have you told yourself “no sex before marriage” and you find yourself going back on your word because you don’t want to lose your boyfriend? After all, he treats me well, so why not just give in to sex with him once in a while”, you reason. You know you are not ready for sex but you allow it, to please him. Stop cheapening and thinking low of yourself. If a guy gets sex easily from you, or you say “yes” to all his whims because you want to please him, he may not stay on in the relationship or if he stays, he would lose respect for you.

5. Investing more in the relationship

Do you find yourself 9 times out of 10 investing more time, money and more of everything in your relationship than your partner? You are the one always trying to make time for the relationship and he never does. When you both go out, you take up the bill or you pay more. On special occasions, like birthdays or your relationship anniversary, he seems to always have selective amnesia. You buy him gifts while he gets you none because he forgot, even though you hinted at it two days ago. Good girl, wake up! This is not healthy and wise. You need to start asking yourself some honest questions about where the relationship is headed and get out before it’s too late. If your partner does not see the need to invest in the relationship then he might be thinking of breaking up with you.

6. Giving undeserved second chances

He hurts you unashamedly and you keep forgiving him. You graciously condone his lateness, forgetfulness, skirt-chasing and every other bad behaviour he throws at you. He blames his mess-ups on the weakness of his flesh and removes himself from being responsible for his own actions and you keep giving him undeserved second chances. When do you want to realise that you have hooked up with a die-hard “I don’t care” man or a philanderer? You need to do something about the situation, before he breaks you or breaks the relationship

Parting Words

Dear ladies, you are more than enough on your own. Refuse to be pushovers or doormats in your relationships. If you must improve yourselves, do it because it is necessary, and not because you want someone to like or validate you. These “good-girl” habits should be avoided at all costs in your relationships – if you want to have healthy and successful ones. All the best!

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@efelisaifezuo